


From the Pinnacle to the Pit

by AstridMyrna



Series: Amare et Odite [1]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Declarations Of Love, Don't Fuck With Phasma, Drama, Drowning, F/M, Falling In Love, Family Drama, Feels, Force Bonds, Force Ghosts, Kylo Ren Angst, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Just Has A Lot Of Feelings, Love/Hate, some body horror
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-24
Updated: 2017-02-25
Packaged: 2018-09-26 17:55:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9914222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AstridMyrna/pseuds/AstridMyrna
Summary: Kylo Ren has become bitter and depressed since Rey defeated him at Starkiller Base. Captain Phasma advises him to kill what he loves in order to gain true strength, and Ren is off on a personal quest to destroy Rey and his feelings for her that burden his soul.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kurishiler](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kurishiler/gifts).



> The story is complete, but will be updating with a new chapter every day since I want to give the chapters another once over before I publish here. Enjoy!

Captain Phasma should have guessed that Kylo Ren would be in trouble the minute he started fixating on “the girl.” She should have ordered her men back to Takodana when Kylo Ren returned with the girl instead of the droid. Instead, she was instructed by Hux to bring Kylo Ren in the conference room. She marched down the cold hallways of the Starkiller base to the holding cell where the girl was being held, pulled rank on the stubborn door lock, and found Kylo Ren hovering over the unconscious girl. He traced her cheek with bare, quivering fingers. It was the most pathetic display of affection she had ever seen.

“Sir,” Phasma said.

Kylo Ren rounded on her, a stance that would have been more intimidating if he wasn’t wriggling his hand back into his glove. She bit her laugh back and gave him Hux’s message before leaving him to creep on his victim. The girl was nothing.

 The destruction of Starkiller base proved her horribly wrong.

Now it was her and Hux running the show while Kylo Ren recovered from his severe wounds on the _Finalizer_. Wounds that that girl inflicted on him. She had seen Kylo Ren’s ruthlessness in battle and against pieces of equipment. He should have easily struck her down, a fact that Hux liked to flaunt whenever he had the chance.

“Have you seen Kylo Ren lately?” Hux asked her as they walked to the mess hall, “His wounds have all healed now, but he still refuses to leave the sick bay. Snoke may have to make an _executive_ decision about this soon. Honestly, to have been defeated by such a weakling—”

“—that destroyed one of our most powerful weapons. Thank you for the reminder.”

Hux tried to spit out something in response, but nothing meaningful came out. For weeks, he had followed her around like a puppy with a nasally bark about Kylo Ren, and Kylo Ren wasn’t there to bark back. She needed the second half of this pair of useful idiots to come back and bicker at each other so she could work in peace.

Later that evening, she found enough spare time to visit Kylo Ren in the sick bay. He had his own dimly lit room of dark metal walls and a bed in the center. Kylo Ren didn’t bother sitting up when Phasma entered, preferring to pool himself in the gray linen. The scar across his face had dulled since last time she had seen it.

“The doctors tell me that you’re physically fit to return to duty, sir,” Phasma said.

He stared at her for a moment with heavily bagged eyes, then stared back up at the ceiling.

She approached his bed, laid a gloved hand on the bed, and said, “You need to come back on duty.”

Again, no answer. The doctors had warned her about this, but she didn’t count on how irritated she felt right now. Hux’s sniveling for attention and Ren’s old temper tantrums she was accustomed to, not this. She put her hand over his throat, squeezed just enough to let him know she could crush his windpipe. He didn’t respond.

“This is because of the girl, isn’t it?” she said as the connection of past and present dawned on her. “You let her escape.”

“No,” he said in a raspy whisper. “She is strong with the force, stronger than I thought.”

She let go of his throat, now pinched pink from her fingers. “You might be able to fool Hux with that, but not I. There was no way for her to survive, unless you wanted her to live. Why?”

For a moment she thought Kylo Ren would fall back into depressive silence, but instead he sat up and swallowed before speaking again.

“She is strong with the Force,” he said more to the reflection in her armor than to her face. “I wanted to train her. She refused.”

“Then why didn’t you kill her?”

He looked up at her, his face flushing to an embarrassing pink. She knew the answer, but he needed to say it out loud.

“She’s special,” he said.

“To who?”

“Me.”

Her sigh rattled in her helmet.

“You know what you need to do, right?”

He blanched. “Snoke might—”

“This isn’t about Snoke, this is about you. The greatest challenge you face will be to kill what you love. Only then will you gain true power over yourself and your…volatile emotions. Once you’ve done that, no obstacle too great will stop you from achieving your goals.”

Color returned to his face as he mused on her advice.

“I already killed my father,” he said.

“Did you love him?”

“No, of course not,” he spat out a little too quickly.

“Then you took the easy path. Take the hard path if you want to grow stronger,” she turned away from him and walked towards the door, “I must return to my duties now.”

As the door slid open, Kylo Ren called out, “Who did you kill in order to become stronger, captain?”

She paused at the threshold, grateful that the helmet hid her grin. “We’re not that close, Kylo Ren.”

“And if we were?”

“You would know.”

The door slid behind her, sealing Kylo Ren inside. It was on him to decide how to save his tarnished reputation. She had more important matters to attend to.


	2. Chapter 2

Alone in his recovery room, Ren mused on what Phasma had told him. He didn’t love Rey, but she interested him. In her mind he saw a glimpse of the loneliness, of the desperate hope that someone would come back for her…of having power that he could shape with his guidance. He had been kind to her, and she rejected him. She  _rejected_  him. She chose that traitorous storm trooper over him.

He combed his oily black hair with his fingers, fighting down the acid that bubbled from his stomach to his throat. He closed his eyes and remembered when he had first saved her from those traitors and thieves, when she slept peacefully. There was hope, then, that she would open her eyes and, though she might have been scared at first, accept him. But _they_  had turned her against him before—

Phasma may have been right. How long had he laid in this bed, broken by Rey’s rejection? How could he allow her to have so much power over him? Snoke had called for him to finish his training once he had recovered, but he wouldn’t be able to concentrate when all his thoughts were consumed by Rey. He needed to be free of her.

That night, he dreamed of the ocean and the island he saw in her mind, but there was more detail: long stone staircases and steep slopes choked with crabgrass. His bare feet felt cold as he walked higher and higher up the hill until he reached its peak. Two figures sat side by side, drenched in an orange sunset that masked their faces. He did not need to see their faces to know who they were.

He awoke early with a burning sensation in his stomach. Wordlessly he changed into his black garb and mask and stormed out of the sick bay. He only needed three things: a ship, funds, and the map that led him to Skywalker. All three of these things were within in his reach: his personal shuttle was equipped with a copy of the map that still lacked the final piece, he could take out a good chunk of credits from the war chest without raising too much suspicion, and once he disabled the tracking units on a couple of droids, he would be able to fly the shuttle by himself. He just had to do this quickly before—

A voice that felt like being force fed sand cut his thoughts.

“Kylo Ren,” General Hux called out as he strode up to him. “I see you’ve finally recovered. Welcome back.”

Ren balled his fists but kept walking. “Not for long. I received Snoke’s message and will be going to him now.”

“For training, if I recall,” Hux sneered as he huffed to keep up with Ren. “I’m surprised you hadn’t finished. I thought that was a requirement for all knights of Ren to complete their training first.”

Hux waited for a reaction that Ren didn’t have time to give, and his look of smugness morphed into suspicion.

“Snoke really has you shaken, hasn’t he?” Hux added.

“We’ll both pay for our failures. My ship needs to be ready now,” Ren said, his teeth sore from grinding them.

Hux sniffed at him but responded, “How many men shall I order to accompany you?”

“Just a few droids to run the ship. Snoke wants me to come alone.” 

Hux couldn’t hide the disappointment on his face, but he agreed to the order. They parted down different hallways, and in a moment Ren arrived at the hanger bay. His black shuttle was flooded with orange-clad technicians furiously checking every square inch of the ship. Ren grabbed one of the technician droids and demanded that he disable all tracking devices on the other droids and the ship. Once the job was done, he locked the technician droid in the shuttle until he could decide what to do with it. As the ship’s engine warmed up, he pulled out the absolute limit he personally could pull out at once from the virtual war chest: three million credits. Hopefully it would last him until he could find Rey.

“I need destination coordinates, sir,” chirped one of the pilot droids, a lanky red machine with crane-like fingers.

Ren pulled up the hologram of the incomplete map, and pointed to the planet just to the left of the gaping hole. “Set the coordinates there. What is the estimated travel time?”

“Three to four weeks, sir.”

Plenty of time for Snoke to realize that Ren did not go straight to him, but at least he would have a head start. Once he killed Rey, however, Snoke would understand. If Luke was really there, he would kill him too. Snoke would forgive him if it meant that Ren succeeded where his grandfather, unfortunately, failed.

“Take off now, sir?” asked the oblivious droid.

“Yes. We must make haste.”

And within moments, the shuttle departed and shot off into deep space.

*

Within two days, the ship’s radios buzzed with Hux’s demands as to where he was going and what he was doing with the money he withdrew. He switched off the radios and tripled checked to make sure that the ship was completely undetectable.

“Are we fugitives?” a squat blue technician droid asked before Ren struck it down with his light saber. He slashed at the hunk of metal until it was a pile of melted chips and wires. He turned to the pilot droids, his stringy black hair clinging to his temples, but they said nothing.

He sheathed his light saber and stumbled back to his bed. His impulsive rage draining away and leaving him exhausted. The back of his head ached as if he had been slammed against a wall.

 _Ren_ , Snoke’s voice whispered in his dreams like smoke.

Ren kept his eyes shut, both in the dream and in reality, though he felt his master’s nails picking at his eyelids.

 _Tell me where you are going_.

“If I do, you will follow me. I need to do this alone.”

One of the nails punctured through the lids, and his eye bled. He squeezed his lids tighter, nail still trapped.

_I did not allow this._

Ren woke up and his hand slapped over his cold, wet eye. But the wetness was only tears, and he could still see. The ache was gone, however. Had Snoke broken their Force bond? No, he wanted to know what Ren was planning and where he was going. He rose from his bed and ordered that the ship travel as fast as it could handle. Meanwhile, Ren locked himself in his bedroom and meditated, building up walls and false leads in his mind around his plans.

Snoke had ways of getting what he wanted. For three days, Ren woke up with a high-pitched ringing in his ears that pulsated randomly when he tried to meditate. When the ringing stopped, for several days whatever he ate tasted like a salt block. In between all this, he woke up in the middle of the night from gripping muscle spasms in his neck, back, and stomach.

Then it all stopped.

Silence and solitude greeted him after two weeks of restlessness. He walked the grated halls cautiously, waiting for Snoke’s next torment. At night, he stared at the ceiling, waiting for the spasms that never came. Snoke had to be waiting for him to feel safe enough to lower his guard. So he paced and meditated in his room, ordering his droids to refuel and get supplies when they landed from one planet to the next.

Finally, they arrived at their first destination. Ren stared at the empty piece in the map, so small compared to the rest of the galaxy, but large enough that it could take him years scouring the area for Rey and Luke.

“Where to next, sir?” the pilot asked him.

 “We’re going to be exploring this space here. Just anywhere.”

“As you wish, sir.”

And so the ship plunged ahead into unknown territory, the planets ahead barely the size of stars.  Ren skulked away to his room, only to find the ghostly outline of his father in the hallway. Han Solo still looked as gruff and haggard right before he died, but there was no burning hole in his chest from where Ren had impaled him.

“Supreme Leader,” Ren said, restraining the spike of fear in his throat, “I will not break so easily.”

“Supreme Leader? I’ve been called a lot of things, but nothing as nice as that,” Han Solo answered with a smirk, his voice like an echo.

“Then who are you?”

“Your father, who else? Don’t worry, I’m still dead. But the Force, son, the Force is something much more than I ever thought it could be. Much more forgiving too.”

“No. No, you’re a figment of my insanity. You never embraced the Force.”

“I thought so too, but—”

Ren turned and stormed away before Han Solo could finish. By the time he had walked around the ship and returned to his original starting point, the ghost was gone. Just another hallucination by Snoke. He knew that their Force bond was strong, but he had completely underestimated its reach.

He thought of the bond he had formed, and ultimately destroyed, with Luke. He closed his eyes and tried to find maybe one of the shattered remnants of their bond, but came up with nothing. On a whim he decided to reach out for Rey, sifting through the contract and release of the Force, seeing a tendril of her own energy but never being able to catch it. But it was this fleeting wisp of energy that made him more determined to capture it. He meditated on it for several days, ordering the ship to move in what felt like was the direction her energy came from.

He dreamed of the island among the ocean again, Rey and Luke posed like bronze statues in the morning twilight. It occurred to him, though, that this wasn’t an ordinary dream. He seized Rey’s hand and brought her to life. She gaped at him and tried to pull her hand back, but he held her still.

“We’re connected,” he said, surprised at the discovery.

“No, we’re not. Get out of my head!”

He grabbed her by the hair and forced her to look at him. No more gentleness. No more consideration. He would take what he needed. Her face turned red as she tried to twist away from him, but he rooted through her mind until he found what he needed and extracted it.

An invisible blow to the face woke him. His mind still holding the location firmly in its grip, he stumbled out of bed and to the pilot’s chair.

“Set the course to Ahch-To,” he wheezed as he punched in the coordinates, still reeling from the vision, “Go as fast as this ship can move.”

“Yes, sir. It will take two minutes to properly set for hyper-drive. Please secure yourself.”

Ren strapped himself to the captain’s chair and gripped its arms. His father looked back at him through the reflection in the window.

“You can still choose the right path, Ren,” Han Solo whispered as his image faded away with the stream of stars that passed the ship as it lurched into hyper drive.

The ship hurtled itself for several long minutes and came to a halt just above the atmosphere of the turquoise planet. The ship descended gracefully through the atmosphere and skated over the seemingly endless sea. A few pinpricks in the distance quickly grew into rocky, barren islands and islets as he explored the lonely planet. After the fifth barren island, his impatience outweighed his strategy to take Rey by surprise. He blew that chance when he invaded her dream. She knew he was coming for her.

He flexed his feeling within the Force like a fisherman throwing out his widest net. Yes, he could feel that she was on this planet. He forced his feeling out a little farther, a little farther still—and felt her push back. Immediately he pointed out the direction where her feeling was most concentrated, and demanded that the ship follow it.

“We need to go faster.”

The pilot hesitated for a moment and said, “Sir, this is the fastest we can go without—”

“Full speed, pilot.”

The pilot’s silver fingers jumped and pressed the buttons needed to increase speed. Rey’s energy grew thicker the closer they drew. He demanded higher speeds, they were almost there, he could see the island now where he could just about taste her energy flowing from it.

“There! Land there!” he shouted.

The ship dipped to land, but a horrific mechanical squeal pierced his raging enthusiasm.

 “Prepare for impact,” said the pilot as the ship flipped, throwing Ren against the metal ceiling.

He regretted not wearing his helmet.

*

Luke Skywalker witnessed the black ship spin in the air and crash into the ocean. It floated on the surface like a dead goose before sinking beneath the bubbling water. Luke held out his hand, closed his eyes, and focused. The ship resurfaced and glided over the waves, gently landing on the sand next to Luke. The elderly Jedi forced open the hatch and avoided the sea water before stepping on board. He stepped over the fallen droids that littered the hallway and into the cockpit, where his unconscious nephew laid in a mess of broken glass and machinery.

He knelt by Ben and could feel the young man’s life energy still stubbornly burning. He brushed off the glass shards that had ripped through Ben’s black attire, and wiped his wet black hair out of his face. With the Force Luke lifted him up, and brought him out of the ship.

Rey had joined him on the beach, her staff tight in her fist. “Is he dead?”

He waited for her to come to the conclusion herself.

“Master Luke, he can’t stay here,” she begged. “If the First Order tracks him here, they will destroy us.”

“The ship will have to be destroyed, then. I will be taking Ben to the temple, and then you can help me with the ship.”

As he walked passed her, she turned and cried out, “But he—”

“Killed Han, you needn’t remind me,” Luke said, still walking. “He killed my students as well. I will be back soon.”

As Luke climbed the craggly first steps towards the Temple, he heard Rey growl and stamp out of frustration. It barely mattered to Luke. What did matter, however, was what purpose Ben had coming here in the first place, and why he came alone.

What to do afterwards? Well, that depended on Ben.


	3. Chapter 3

Ren woke with a pulsating ache on his forehead. He sat up slowly, his eyes watering from the shock of increased pain that dimmed as his equilibrium returned. He found himself in a bed of old pelts in a small hut built out of layered shale, a weak fire burning in the center of the dirt floor. Sitting before the fire was his uncle hunched in his robes, and Rey, who glared at him with her rich brown eyes.

“Comfortable?” she asked coldly.

He looked away from her, tugging at one of the ragged edges in his black vest as the pressure on his head increased. He needed to come up with an excuse, fast.

He turned to his uncle. “I suppose you’re wondering why I’m here.”

 Luke nodded to him. “Go on.”

“I…erm…” An idea dawned on him that was so farfetched that it could be believable, if he played the part correctly. “Ever since I…I killed my father, I realized the terrible mistake I’ve done.”

Rey’s loud scoff couldn’t have been more perfect.

“I know, it sounds unbelievable, considering what I’ve done.” Ren looked away from the fire, which made his eyes water. “I can never take it back. I’ve been ridden with guilt.”

 He used the moment to wipe his closed eyes with his knuckle and hoping, praying, that his uncle was soft-hearted enough to buy it.

Luke asked in a gentle voice, “What are you looking for here, then?”

Ren opened his eyes. “Redemption. Teach me to use the light side of the Force again.” He looked at Luke with swollen eyes. “You were right, Uncle Luke, and I’m sorry I threw away your teachings.”

“You didn’t throw them away, Ben. You used them for your own ends.” Luke shook his head. “But, if you’re looking for redemption, maybe you can find it here.”

“What?” Rey cried out. “You’re not seriously going to train him?”

“No, Rey. You will continue to be my student. Ben will be living here.”

Ren tightened his fist at the mention of his old name, but he held his flash of anger in. He would be staying on the island, and that was all that mattered. Rey, however, continued to protest.

“He will kill us in our sleep, Master Luke. He can’t be trusted!”

Luke grunted as he pushed himself up by his knees. "Come along, Rey. The stew should be done now.”

She glared at him as they left Ren alone to his injured thoughts. Now that he was here, knew where Rey was and, most importantly, alive, he needed to come up with a plan to kill her and Luke, then escape. Rey and Luke had to have arrived on a ship. Luke may have destroyed his to become a hermit, so that meant Rey would most likely have a ship hidden somewhere on this island. But when and how to execute her?

Rey elbowed-back the leather scrap door covering and entered with a steaming clay bowl and cup. The firelight flickered softly on her freckled face as she bent over to put the dishes down on the wood stool Luke had been sitting on earlier. His fingers twitched as her hazelnut hair rippled down her bare arms like ribbons. When she rose, however, she gazed down at him in silent fury.

“I know why you’re really here,” she said.

“Do you?” he replied, and inwardly kicked himself. He couldn’t forget that he was playing someone reformed.

“The First Order sent you here to kill Luke.”

“If they did, they would have sent more than just me. Uncle Luke, after all, is a powerful jedi. I only came here for forgiveness.”

“Well, you won’t receive any from me. And if even you think about hurting Luke—”

But her threat hung out empty in the air, and Ren couldn’t resist.

“You’ll kill me?” he teased. “You could do it now, you know. I wouldn’t be able to fight back.”

Rey held her fists straight at her sides, her face pinched with anger. “No. I’m not weak like you.”

She left in a hurry, as if she had just slapped him and deserted him to feel the sting. Furious, Ren reached for his light saber, only to realize that it wasn’t on his belt. Of course, his uncle must have taken it. It didn’t matter. He needed to regain his strength and figure out a plan. He would not fail this time.

Several misty mornings passed before he ventured out of the hut to explore the island and find at least one ship that could get him off the planet. His head felt better, but his ribs and legs ached as he slowly clambered down the winding dirt path that cut through the town of empty huts. He sighed with relief at the first touch of soft grass that was cut with an endless line of stone steps. Further ahead he caught sight of a row of wind-swept shrubs, and it looked like a good place to rest.

When he arrived at the shrubs, however, he discovered that they hid a small ravine with a stream that trickled into the ocean. The verdant slopes would have been large enough to hide a small vessel, but there was nothing except—

He crouched into the brush when he saw Rey's wet robes stretched out on the flat boulders that caught a bit of the noon sun. She squatted ankle-deep in the sudsy bank, scouring her arms and back until they were pink with a handful of dull soap. It occurred to him that he was close enough, strong enough, to use the Force to hold her under the water until she drowned, and sneak back into his hut where his uncle would not suspect a thing. He would have accomplished what he had sacrificed so much time and effort for, and…

Rey cupped fresh water in her hands, poured it over her back, massaged it into her hair. Her head turned to the side as she combed her hair with her fingers.

Ren shook his head, trying to refocus on the task. If there was any other perfect time to cut her down, now was the time.

Rey stood up, scraping excess water off her arms and legs with her hands. She didn’t look up at the ridge where he hid, and he had to wonder if she could feel him being so close to her and was ignoring him. But she had been so antagonistic towards him, so if she had sensed him nearby, she would have acted on it.

It was in the middle of this internal war of what Rey was thinking that Ren decided not to kill her today. At least, not in this way. He would just prove to her and to anyone he knew that he was so weak that he could only kill a fledging Jedi naked and unsuspecting. No, he would wait for the chance to kill her properly. He crawled away from the bushes and staggered back towards the hut. When he arrived there was cold soup and a fresh cup of water. He guzzled them both down before collapsing in his bed, his heart nearly pounding through his chest. Before he slipped into sleep, he heard an echo of Phasma in his mind:

_The greatest challenge…you face will be…to kill what you love._

He would do it, when the time was right. Nothing else would get in his way.

*

When he had fully recovered from his injuries, Luke volunteered him as a sparring partner for Rey. They faced each other in a dirt circle marked out pebbles with carved sticks hit each other with. While Rey wielded her stick like she was fighting with a saber instead of a staff, she telegraphed her moves as she held her body in learned poses. She was still faster than him, but sloppy. It was easy to hold his ground and guide her backwards as he parried everything she threw at him.

He had pushed her to the edge of the circle when Luke called out calmly, “Trust in the Force, Rey. Don’t let your fear overwhelm you.”

“I don’t fear him!”

She lashed out and sent him a few steps back, but he caught her stick as she threw it over her head, and pushed her hard enough to fall over. She scrambled up and threw herself at him again, throttling on his blade until he used a Force-enhanced push to send her flying backwards again. He could read on her face that she was questioning how she even survived her first fight with him, but still she pushed herself up and wiped the dirt off her face.

“I don’t fear him, Master Luke. I hate him.”

“Hatred clouds your judgment, and makes you easy to manipulate,” Luke said, his gaze turning towards Ren. “Calm yourself, Rey. Trust the Force to guide your strikes.”

Her breathing grew harsher, but she rushed towards Ren and thrown back once again. Luke announced that sparring was over for the day. Rey hurled her stick at Ren, who caught it easily. She glared at him for a moment before following Luke for the next part of her training farther up the island.

After putting the false sabers away, Ren decided he needed a full-body wash instead of just his face and arms. He walked down to the stream, his mind tingly as if it was about to go numb. He shouldn’t have been surprised that Rey declared her hatred for him, but he kept hearing her scream her hatred reverberated in his mind. It was better that she hated him—killing her would feel more like duty, instead of betrayal.

The cold nipped at his bare feet when he stepped into stream, but he waded further until the water reached his abdomen. He inhaled a deep breath and dipped under the water. Grabbing hold of a jagged rock to keep from bobbing up, he folded his legs under his chest and sank. His body shivered and muscles popped against the frigid flow of water, but he held on until he needed to surface. As he stood and combed his hair back, he felt almost swallowed up by the quiet of the rustling grass, the tranquility of the stream, and the hum of his blood warming his frozen fingers. For once, he felt a soothing sort of calm in his mind.

Until he turned and saw Rey staring at him.

Naked. In a freezing stream.

His mind drew a blank at to what to do or say next, but he could feel his rage building under the tissue-thin film of calm. His gaze fell on the water buckets she carried in each hand.

“I’ll bring the water up,” he mumbled.

Rey dropped the buckets and ran down along the stream until the slope was low enough for her to climb away from him. He staggered out of the water and fell on his knees, skinning them on the pebbles hidden in the grass. His stomach lurched, sick with embarrassment. How long had she been staring at him? How much longer would she had stayed if he had not turned around just then? What would she tell Luke?

He rushed as he dressed, barely caring that his damp clothes stuck to his skin, and filled the buckets. As he climbed up the stone steps, he imagined them both laughing at Rey’s story, then only Luke laughing as Rey looked on, horrified, and somewhere in the middle he would kill them both before they told another soul about it.

By the time he reached the large stone hut where Luke and Rey shared their meals, he realized that he didn’t have to see them at all. All he needed to do was drop the buckets off by the door and go back to his hut. And so he did, and he walked all the way down and into his hut, where he obliterated his bed and ripped his sleeping pelts into ragged strips until his rage petered out.

 


	4. Chapter 4

 As far as he could tell, Rey didn’t tell Luke what she had seen. He stole another bed from one of the other empty huts, braided the pelts back into blankets again, and didn’t interact with them more than he had to. He continued to explore the island in the early morning hours until he found a lichen-crusted metal door large enough to hide a hanger bay behind it on the side of the sheer cliff opposite of the temple. Ren scuttled as close as he could to the edge of cliff to look down for a possible without risking a fall into ocean below. Seeing none, he guessed that Luke must know of the secret entrance into it.

“What are you looking for?” Rey asked.

Ren jumped in shock but fell on the hard earth instead of air.

“You need to stop spying on me!” he snarled as he picked himself up.

“You need to start paying attention,” she said as she approached him, bouncing the end of her long staff on the toe of her boot. “And I wasn’t spying on you, I was sent to find you. Luke wants us to try sparring again.”

“Now?”

“He would prefer it, yes.”

“And you?”

“Would rather you went flying off this cliff.”

He laughed heartily at that, and could feel the mounting anger almost crackle from her, then she jabbed her staff to his gut. He caught it in time and yanked her closer to him. Her look of shock made his heart glad. He pulled her close enough for her to hear him whisper.

“Luke told you to repress your anger and hate, didn’t he? I know because he’s told me the same,” he hissed, holding the staff still as she tried to pull it back. “But if you know how to channel your anger, you can—”

 “Give it back!” she yelled with a great pull.

Rey had tugged too hard, though. He fell forward on his face, and she fell backwards off the cliff. He scrambled to the edge just in time to see her plunge into the water and not surface.

He dove after her and immediately found her flailing as she sank. He grabbed her by the waist with one arm and she frantically clung to him, her knees digging into his chest. He swam up and surfaced. Rey took in great gulps of air, her eyes blinking rapidly as her head lolled before resting on his cheek.

“Don’t pass out,” Ren panted. “Let’s get to the shore first. Can you keep your head above water?”

Her fingers and knees squeezed painfully against his skin. “I can’t swim.”

“I know. I’m not going to let you go. I just need you to keep your head above water, and your legs away from mine.”

She nodded, and untwisted her legs from his chest. Once he caught his breath, he swam with one arm outstretched and the other clutching to her. Slowly he managed to swim the both to the nearest beach, holding her tighter as the waves crashed overhead. Nonetheless he pushed them both closer to shore. As soon as they touched dry sand they fell apart and onto their hands and knees. Ren’s arms shook as the sea water drip from his hair and dotted the sand.

“You saved me,” Rey said faintly. “Why?”

He didn’t like the answer that immediately came to mind.

“I don’t know,” he said, more to himself than to her.

 She didn’t reply.  She had passed out, but was still breathing. He tried to shake her awake and while her eyes opened for a moment, she fell unconscious again in the next. The sun's heat was gaining strength on the sand, so Ren carried her up on the grass and under the shade of an outcropping rock formation. He sat against the cool rock, trying to gather his second wind.

 Why had he saved her? Letting her drown would have been the easy way to finish this. He struggled against killing his father, yes, but that was because Han Solo was his father. 

Rey was different. Rey was something new to explore, someone who understood the pains of great power and disappointing father figures. This would only get harder the longer he held it off. He knelt next to her, determined to use the Force to choke the life out of her, and dump her body into the sea for Luke to find later. He cupped her hand over her ear and face, turning her head towards him, as he should face her when she died. His hand could not leave her rough, freckled cheek, and he silently wished he could see her warm brown eyes again.

Her eyes opened, and his will failed him.

“You wouldn’t wake up,” he said, jerking his hand back.

 She blinked at him, then tried to stand up on wobbly legs. He caught her arms and held her as she steadied herself.

"Luke,” she said hoarsely. “Luke will wonder where we are.”

 She broke away from him and walked three steps before falling to her knees. Ren helped her stand up again. She glared at him, but then she looked up at how far and how high the the temple was.

“I can carry you on my back,” he suggested.

She rolled her eyes like she was about to protest, but she reached up for his shoulder. He helped her get on his back, her hands clasped tightly below his throat. Ren felt her face bump against his shoulder blades as she tried to find a comfortable position in an awkward situation, but she pulled herself up higher and rested her chin next to his neck. He looked down at her from the corner of his eye and stumbled on step.

“Watch it!”

“Sorry,” he grumbled, and focused on the long climb ahead.

They were quiet for some time before she said, “Thank you for saving my life, even though I almost got us both killed.”

“Twice.”

“Twice?”

“When you jabbed that staff at me, I could have grabbed it wrong and sent us both off the cliff.”

“Fine, twice then.”

His arms and back started to burn. Halfway up the hill, the burning intensified into sharp, searing pains, and he had to stop or they really would topple to their deaths into the shrubbery and moss below. Rey felt strong enough to walk on her own, and together they slowly ascended to the temple grounds to face Luke.

The old man huffed at the sight of them, but quickly attended to Rey as soon as they told him about their near-drowning incident. When Rey laid in her bed with pillows to prop her up and a fresh clean rag to blow her nose with, Luke brought Ren outside and demanded in his quietly irritated voice what had happened.

“Everything happened like Rey had said,” Ren said as he balled his fists at his side. “It was an accident.”

“I want to hear it from you.”

Ren bit back an insult, but summarized the incident much in the same way Rey had. “She told me you were looking for me to spar. We insulted each other, I laughed at her, she tried to jab me and I caught her staff, she fell when she tried to pull the staff away, I jumped in after her.”

“What did you say to her?”

Ren gritted his teeth. “I don’t remember.”

It was a half-truth. The only thing he remembered telling her was trying to teach her how to use her anger, instead of suppressing it.

“You don’t believe me, of course,” Ren continued. “If you don’t believe me, believe what Rey tells you. She’s telling you the truth, Uncle. She hates me. Why would she lie about this?”

Luke squinted at him through his baggy eyes, and he sighed.

“I believe you, Ben. Good night.”

Ren didn’t believe his uncle at all, but he was too exhausted to argue with him. Besides, he had more pressing issues to worry about. He realized now that his first impulse was not to kill Rey, but to save her. This needed to change fast, or he would never be able to finish this personal mission. He would fail Snoke, fail himself, and in a small way, fail Phasma.


	5. Chapter 5

_Grandfather, I need your wisdom to guide me. This task that I set out to complete is much more treacherous than I had first thought. My temptation for the light died with my father, but when I am near her…help me, Grandfather. I know you killed your wife while she was still pregnant with your children. Where in the dark did you find the strength to stamp out her burning light?_

He waited, eyes closed and deep in the well of his meditation. He hoped that his Grandfather would whisper in his ear, but tonight he remained silent. He was always silent.

Ren needed to make up for his failures.  He may not have his light saber, but there were other ways of killing her. He needed to trust in the dark side of the Force to give him the right opportunity.

He played along with the sparring matches between Rey, keeping up with the mundane chores that Luke assigned him, and even joining them in a few meals. His uncle talked little, even though Rey would prod him with questions about his travels, because whenever she tried to ask a question about the Force—

“Clear your mind of those kinds of questions, Rey,” Luke said gravely. “You will learn more tomorrow.”

It was the same damn thing Luke had told Ren during his training, along with his nagging about not letting rage and hatred consume him. He could feel the irritation growing from Rey as well, though she kept her voice light and friendly. He wanted to voice his opposition, but he had to to remember the role he was playing—and then the idea struck him.

For the next few days he awoke early and watched through the flap of his door for Rey to walk down with a basket of laundry at her hip. On the fourth day she finally came down. As she approached his hut, he stepped outside and asked, “Need help with the laundry?”

“No,” she said and walked right past him.

“The Force, then,” he blurted out before she could walk out of earshot.

She stopped in her tracks, then turned to him. “Excuse me?”

“Maybe there are questions about the Force that my uncle won’t answer, but I will.”

“I have no interest in learning about the dark side of the Force.”

“I was under my uncle’s training for far longer than when I trained under Snoke. Coming here has made me review old lessons I should have taken to heart.”

She studied him for a minute, then said, “Fine, but we’ll have to walk and talk.”

They continued down the hill together, Ren answering questions Rey had about the dark side, amusingly enough.

“Fear, anger, hatred—those are natural responses to people who try to kill you and the ones you love,” she said with a pointed look towards him. “I can understand that being consumed by it can lead you to do terrible things, but Luke tells me I have to learn to let go of those emotions. And when I ask him how, he never really gives me an answer.”

Ren laughed. “He’s told me the same thing. I tried to stop feeling those emotions, but the harder I tried to do so, the heavier they felt. The dark side allowed those emotions to flow through me, and the pressure disappeared.”

Rey stopped and stared at him, and he rushed to save this threadbare trust. “It’s important to know why there are those who are seduced to the join dark side, so we avoid going down that same path. Don’t you agree?”

“I suppose there is some truth to that.”

They continued their trip and their conversation to the stream. He couldn’t help but feel relieved that she also wavered in her faith in the light and in Luke, that there might be a chance that with the right argument she would—no, he had to finish this. When they reach the bank, they both commented on how the stream had swollen since last night’s rain. Perfect. He could strangle her and make it look like she fell in the stream and drowned.

But then she turned to him and said, “I had one more question before you go.”

Had she suspected what he was planning on doing? She had read his mind before, but that was a fluke. Besides, he didn’t feel her prodding in the same way Snoke did.

“Yes?”

She set down her laundry basket and crossed her arms. “Why did you kill Han Solo?”

He was so thrown off by that question that he wondered if his father had possessed her to ask it.

“Because I had to,” he stammered.

“Had to? He was your father. He could have left with me and Finn and return to the rebel base, but he came back for you. He was trying to save you.” She covered her mouth and turned away as she tried to choke a sob down.

Ren closed the distance between them and grabbed her by the shoulders.

"Look at me, Rey. You have no idea who my father was,” he said, his voice shaking with the rage that welled up within him. “He was no hero. He was a liar, a thief, a conman. You never heard him fight with my mother one day and then take off the next, not be heard from for months. You never had to flee for your life because the men he ripped off burned your house down and were looking to kidnap you for ransom. I’m sorry that he tricked you, but at least you’re the last person he played for a fool in this galaxy.”

She shoved him off.

“Your father was one of the most honest men I knew,” she said, her voice shaken. “He couldn’t have been like you’re saying he was.”

He stepped closer to her as she hunched over and tried to push her tears back with her fingers.

“I’m telling the truth,” he said.

“So am I! He taught me how to use a blaster, he wanted to give me a job as copilot, he risked everything to help Finn rescue me.”

She still thought well of that traitorous and dead storm trooper. Ren cupped his hands on her shoulders, a kindness before the kill. 

“Father had a knack for making you feel special for a little while, and he would leave when he was bored of you. After months of silence, he would return and start the whole cycle again. After a few cycles you learn that you’re nothing more than a toy to him. When you get older, and start making trouble for him, that’s when he starts to care.”

She looked up at him, her brows knitted over her eyes. “Is that why you _had_ to kill him?”

His hands stretched across her thin shoulders, with his thumbs gently pressing against the clothed sides of her neck.

“Snoke told me how Grandfather—Darth Vader, was weak with Luke, and the most powerful sith in the galaxy fell. In order to surpass Vader, I had to eliminate my own weaknesses.”

Her rich brown eyes were clear and her face clean from her tears, as if she didn’t notice that his fingers had wrapped around her neck.

“Are you stronger?” she asked.

He opened his mouth to answer that of course he was, but then he closed it as he reflected on all the missed opportunities, the near deaths, and the failures he had committed over the last few months.

“You’ve been what’s holding me back this whole time,” he said, fully dropping what little of an act he had put up in the first place. “The moment I learned about you…everything started to fall apart.”

“So you didn’t need to kill Han.”

Although her face looked calm and determined, her pulse quickened against his fingertips. He felt his own heartbeat stop for a beat.

“No, I didn’t.” He shook his head. “But he was part of the rebellion. He needed to be out of the way. If I didn’t kill him, someone else would have.”

“Then why did Snoke have _you_ kill him?”

Anger lanced with guilt flooded his veins, and his fingers tensed against her throat.

“You’re too naïve to understand that I can’t refuse the Supreme Leader, not after everything I’ve done, after all the people I’ve tortured and killed, after all the time I’ve been tempered by the dark.” He pulled her against his chest, and she grabbed at his wrists. “You’ve only just started. I’m too far down this path to turn back to the light. I can only move forward to become stronger, and to do that, I have to rid myself of you.”

Rey gasped when he squeezed her throat for a furious second, and let go of her. She crumpled on the sand, wheezing. He fell to his knees, the light side of the Force tearing his weak soul away from the dark. Everything inside him burned.

“Forgive my weakness, Grandfather. I can’t do it,” he wept.

The hum of a light saber made him look up. The end Luke’s blue blade hovered just inches from his scar, but Rey held the saber steadily in her hand.

“You’re going to kill me,” Ren said somberly.

“No. We’re going to see Luke, and I’ll let him decide what to do with you.”

“I would rather you kill me.”

“No, and I doubt that Luke is going to kill you. Now get up.”

“Rey, I have no where else to go, no where else to turn to. The light and the dark are always at war within me. Please, end my pain.”

“Get up.”

Suddenly, Luke called out, “That won’t be necessary, Rey.”

They both looked up at the ridge of the ravine, where Luke had been watching and waiting for who knew how long.


	6. Chapter 6

Luke joined Rey by her side and told her to put the light saber away. She looked at him with worry, but turned the saber off.

“Get up, Ben,” Luke said.

Ren staggered up and felt small in the overwhelming presence of his uncle.

“Before we can do anything more, you need to tell us why you really came here.”

Ren swallowed hard. “Not in front of her.”

“You tried to kill me,” Rey shouted. “I deserve to know why.”

When he refused to answer, she continued, “You’ve been loyal to the First Order this entire time, haven’t you? You were assigned to kill both me and Luke?”

How easy it could have been to lie, say yes, and put this all on the First Order. He turned towards her, and he felt the full burning force of energy radiating from her. It caressed and scalded his face in its invisible brilliance, and he would not look away.

“I came on my own, against the First Order’s wishes,” he said, the words thick in his throat, “because I love you.”

Rey looked as if he had struck her.

“That…that doesn’t make any sense,” she sputtered, then screamed at him, “You tried to kill me just now! You—you don’t even know me.”

“I don’t know how else I can describe this feeling I have every time I look at you. It’s what made me jump after you when you fell of the cliff. It’s held me back from killing you when I had the opportunity to. It is so powerful, but it makes me weak.”

“I don’t love you,” she said.

“I know,” he replied, the cold shock of reality after her heat bringing tears to his eyes.

“That’s what you meant about me being a weakness that you needed to get rid of.”

"Yes.”

She stepped forward towards Ren, heedless of Luke’s warning, until she was within arm’s reach of him.

 “Did you still love your father, even when you killed him?” she whispered.

His tasted the bitterness in his tears when he answered, “Yes.”

He couldn’t look at himself in her unwavering gaze any longer. The light saber was still in Rey’s tight fist.

“You hate me,” he added.

“I did,” she said, “but now I see who you are.”

She walked away from him, handed the light saber to Luke, and kept walking. Now it was just him and his uncle, who looked up at him with the same pitiful blue eyes.

“Ben—”

“Stop calling me by that name. It, and the weak man who carried it, are gone.”

Luke let out a deep, heavy sigh. “That is the name of your true self, nephew. I still believe that Ben Solo is alive.”

Ren sat on one of the large boulder Rey would lay the laundry on to dry. Only a hint of heat warmed his legs as he contemplated how he lost everything.

“You must have sensed the darkness within me when I first arrived.”

“I did,” Luke said as he slowly approached the boulder.

“So you knew I was lying to you.”

“This is also true.”

“Then why did you let me live?”

Luke sat down on the rock next to him, folded his human and metal hands in his lap.

“I saved you because you are, regardless of the pain you have caused to so many, my nephew," he said. "I couldn’t let you die. I did sense the tight grip that the dark side had on you, but there was still a trace of light. Rey, although she is strong with the Force, she had been struggling with temptations of the dark side because of you. I hoped that with the two of you together, she would strengthen the light within you, and you would dissuade her from the dark side.”

“I did my part then,” Ren scoffed.

“And she did hers.”

Ren was about to object, but then he felt it again—the yearning for the light. It was so deep and painful, like he was lost in a tundra and dreamed for a flame to keep him warm.

“I’ll fail,” Ren muttered.

“Your path will be hard, and you will fall, but I will be there to help you stand up again.” Luke’s voice cracked on the last word, and he cleared his throat. “If you will give me the chance to be your teacher again.”

A cold lump formed in his throat. If he trained under his uncle, he could never become as powerful as Grandfather. Was it worth destroying everything he had with the First Order to become a weaker Jedi?

He needed to buy time to weigh his options.

“What about Rey?” Ren asked as calmly as he could. “I don’t know if she’ll appreciate me being your pupil.”

Luke nodded. “Good point. Let’s go and let her know."

They hurried up back to the temple as quick as they could, and Rey couldn’t hide the disappointment on her face when Ren walked in after Luke. After Luke had praised her for helping Ren see the light and that he wished to train him alongside of Rey, she became livid.

“If this was anyone else, Master Luke, you would be sending them to the Resistance base to stand trial,” she fumed, slamming the lid of the stew pot that hung over the fire pit. “If you’re going to reward him for his crimes, I would rather go back and be useful to General Organa.”

“Rey, your anger—”

“Anger leads to the dark side, I know! But I am only angry because you think so little of me by training _him_.”

“I don’t think little of you, Rey. He deserves a chance--"

"Only because he's your nephew. If I was a knight for the First Order and burned all my chances, you wouldn't even consider training me."

“Uncle, she’s right,” Ren cut in.

They both stared up at him in shock.

Ren folded his arms behind his back and continued, “I know you mean well, Uncle, by wanting to train me again, but Rey is right not to trust me. When I have served my time for my crimes, I’ll return.” He looked away from his baffled uncle to Rey. “Is that a compromise you’re willing to make, Rey?”

She stared at him hard, but nodded.

*

A Resistance team flew in and landed on a stable cliff, then secured Ren in confining chair quite similar to the one he had used to interrogate First Order and Resistance members. Before he was rolled up the ramp, he was allowed to give his farewells.

"We will meet again. Remember, your true ally is with the Force,” Luke said, and squeezed his hand. “Trust in the Force, Ben, and it will bring you back here.”

“Thank you, Uncle,” Ren said, though he couldn’t see himself as Ben yet. His old life felt so far away. “Tell Rey that I thank her for putting up with me.”

He could just see Rey at the top of an overhanging cliff, holding her recovered staff in her crossed arms. He wanted to telepathically tell her goodbye, but he resisted because he knew it would frighten her.

Once he was loaded in a windowless room inside the small passenger ship, he closed his eyes and endured the vibrations from take-off with a sense of weightlessness to follow. They were off planet and moving far, far away from Luke and Rey. His thoughts still focused on her, and painted the one memory of him helping her up the steps after her near-drowning. Nothing else mattered but to reach the top so she could rest. There had been a momentary peace between the two of them.

He felt the presence of his father in the room, but he welcomed it.

“We knew there was good in you, Ben,” Han’s ghost murmured, and his presence evaporated.

Ren wasn't completely sure about that, but it was all he had to go on now that he was on his way to see his mother, to be judged by her and the Resistance. Luke had warned him that the path would not be easy. No matter what happened, however, he was on the right path. He would keep this new faith in the light side of the Force, and return to Luke and Rey soon. Rey would never love him, but he would prove to her that she needn't pity him anymore.


	7. Chapter 7

Phasma stood before the Supreme Leader, who sat at the highest platform in the large, spherical room of glass and metal. He glowered down upon her in his simple throne, looking as if he had descended from the clusters of stars glimmering behind him. Collapsed midway on the ramp leading up to the Supreme Leader was Kylo Ren.

“He told me that it was you who planted the idea of seeking out this girl,” Snoke said with a tinge of irritation in his voice.

“Supreme Leader, I advised that he kill the girl because of his attachment to her. His obsession with her impaired his judgment more than I realized,” she replied, clip and direct.

“You tried to circumvent my training.”

She shivered from the sudden icy pinpricks running down her back.

“My apologies, Supreme Leader, I had no intention of circumventing your wise guidance. I was giving advice based on personal experience. It will not happen again.”

“I know it won’t, captain. You have long since proven your loyalty.”

Snoke steepled his long, pale fingers and mused. Ren let out a small moan as his body began to move.

“I will let you lead the raid on the First Jedi Temple. Bring Skywalker and this girl to me, alive.”

“Thank you, Supreme Leader. I will not fail you,” she said as she saluted him.

“Go, and take Kylo Ren to his cell. He needs his rest before he finishes his training.”

With a wave of his hand, Ren stumbled up to his feet and swayed until Phasma steadied him. She grabbed him by the shoulder and pulled him out of the throne room. When his knees buckled in the hallway, she gripped him by the back of the neck and dragged him until he walked on his own again.

The cell she threw Ren in was one of the many windowless hexagon cells in the hive of prisoner cells. The heavy gray door slid and locked behind her automatically. Ren, still sprawled on the floor, glared up at her until she removed her helmet.

“You thought you could blame me for your failure,” she informed him.

Ren pushed himself up on his elbows, sweat running down from his greasy hairline.

“You told me that to have control, I had to kill her. I thought if I found her as soon as possible, it would be easier to kill her.”

“Quick. Easy. You entitled brat.” She couldn’t help but take joy in his predictable scowl. “You have so much power, and it is wasted on you.”

He rose up and tried to loom over her. “You forget your place, captain.”

“And you’ve forgotten yours. I am the arm of the First Order, and you are the sword. I can always find a new sword if the old one breaks.”

She put on her helmet and opened the door. “Have a good rest, Kylo Ren.”

 He looked on at her with the wide-eyed look of someone brought back to their senses as the door closed. As she marched back to the war room to develop a strategy for the raid, she resolved on four things:

  1. This girl would be found.
  2. This girl would be presented to the Supreme Leader.
  3. The girl would be killed.
  4. Kylo Ren would witness her death.



Phasma was not looking for vengeance. This girl was a clear problem, and now Kylo Ren could not be trusted. The First Order was pure. The First Order is pure. The First Order must always be pure. Any who threatened that purity would be eradicated. She understood this, Snoke understood this, and Kylo Ren would relearn this. 


	8. Chapter 8

_Father._

_Father, I told you it was too late for me._

_If I had gone to the Resistance, I would never be free again. I would either be imprisoned or executed for my crimes. I could never achieve greatness and power if tried to go down the path of the light._

_I couldn’t face Mother._

_The Supreme Leader is gracious in continuing my training, even though I betrayed him. I will be the greatest wielder of the Force, and all will know and fear my name._

_I’m sorry, Father. Rey. Uncle Luke._

_Do not give up so hastily, Ben._

_Grandfather?_

 

TO BE CONTINUED

SUMMER 2017

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So like so many things in my life, what should be a simple project has evolved into a series. -_- Not sure exactly when in summer the second story will be up. Anyway, thank you all for your comments and your kudos! This is the first time I've ever written for Star Wars and trying to wrap my head around its canon is a bit...overwhelming. Hope you enjoyed!


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